Poor Peter Parker

I just realized that a lot of the major villains in the Spiderman saga were originally Peter Parker's scientific heroes. Geez. You know who Spiderman's biggest foe actually was? IRONY.

The Lie And How We Told It

Good ol' Zuhair Abdulla has done up a pretty radical series on his blog, Two Hands Radio. This current series (called The Lie And How We Told It) is a collection of short stories that are less than 800 words long each.

Anyway, I wrote a story for it called "Blue Sunday Bookstore Blues." You can read it here.

The story's based off of a conversation I heard in a used bookstore two weeks ago. I wondered what I would say to the teenage boy if I were older and wiser and actually knew a thing or two. Then I stab him. No, ok, I didn't do that. But I should've though. Stories are kind of boring without stabbings. Or monsters! No, no monsters either. Sorry. I'm just kind of a bitch.

"Softest"

"Softest"
just a quick, quick non-poem by jake kilroy.

She had the softest eyes,
the softest thighs,
but I had the softest tries.

Dear Life...

Dear Life,

I used to think we were cool. It felt like we were cool. Maybe it was just the rum thinking back then and it's the terrible sobriety talking now.

But you're a son of a bitch.

Oh, sure, sure, there were the international trips, the beach days, the dinner parties, the wild nights at the bars and everything else that made me love you. And, even when my friends were talking some mad shit on you back in high school, who stood up and said you were rad?

Me.

It was me, you motherfucker.

I don't know what I did to just make you change your mind about me, but...come on, man, if there's ever been a year keep what we have alive, it'd be this year. I've donated to charity this year and I haven't stolen a single thing!

I understand why we had that rough patch back in junior high. I needed that. I needed you to totally fuck me on that one. And, boy-howdy, did you ever fuck me on that one.

But I was kind of a reckless dickhead in my first few years of college, so why choose now to make everything drag so hard, hmmm? It's like you're punishing me for being patient, supportive, hard-working and healthy. Do you want me to go back to thievery and dickery? I'll do it. So help me, I'll do it.

Fine. Whatever. You know what? I'm just going to stick around and hope you wise up and clean up your act. I know I certainly have.

Fondly,
Jake

Why Hello, Middle-Age

Tonight, I came home from work, had a Guinness and went on a jog around the neighborhood with my dog. It was like time-traveling to my 40s.

Have you seen a funny little red flash drive?

Would I seem like a crazy person if I put up reward posters for a missing flash drive?

Seriously. I lost my little red flash drive, whom I lovingly called "Little Red Flash Drive," and I'm all kinds of bummed about it. Really. Truly.

If you find a red flash drive with a folder called "Darby's Last Year" in it, I will pay you beyond my idealist dreams. F'real.

Fuck.

Christmas Music Better Save Me

Do you seem like a crazy person if you listen to Christmas music in March? Because I'm having a stupendously bogus day and I want to listen to Walter Schumann. Is it crazy? What if I constantly lick my lips and blink as much as I can while I do it? Will that make everyone realize that I'm just having a good time? Hmmm? I swear to someone's god that I really just forget how to be a real person when I'm tired enough to be sleepy but not exhausted enough to be delirious. I'm currently somewhere in the empty range, like a cartridge after the gun goes off accidentally. Fucking...I don't know what I'm talking about. There has to be a cure for this. There just has to be. I wonder if THE HOLLY GREEN, THE IVY GREEN, THE PRETTIEST PICTURE YOU'VE EVER SEEN. IT'S CHRISTMAS IN KILLARNEY WITH ALL OF THE FOLKS AT HOME. IT'S NICE, YOU KNOW, TO KISS YOUR BEAU WHILE CUDDLING UNDER THE MISTLETOE. AND SANTA CLAUS, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, IS ONE OF THE BOYS FROM HOME. THE DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN, THE NEIGHBORS PAY A CALL AND FATHER JOHN, BEFORE HE'S GONE, WILL BLESS THE HOUSE AND ALL. HOW GRAND IT FEELS TO CLICK YOUR HEELS AND JOIN IN THE FUN OF THE JIGS AND REELS. I'M HANDING YOU NO BLARNEY, THE LIKES YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN, IS FUCKING CHRISTMAS IN KILLARNEY AND ALL OF THOSE FOLKS AT HOME.

Can you have cabin fever in an office?

All A Man Needs To Impress A Woman

I feel like the ability to make love, make fire, make jokes and make pancakes should be all a man needs to impress a woman.