Jim & Tommy

Jim and Tommy sit in an old pick-up truck, each drinking a bottle of whiskey. They are parked on a hill over looking the town below. It is just after dusk and neither of them has ever finished a Shakespeare play.

"Say, Jim, what do you believe in?"

"That question's as big as the stars. I reckon you meant to ask somethin' more specific."

"No, I mean it, what do you believe in? The whole thing. I want the whole thing. I don't want no God this or God that. No atheism neither. I want the full truth of what you got rattlin' inside you like a snake in a cage. Let that sucker bite."

"Dear God, Tommy, you've done drunk yourself into oblivion. There ain't no way out now."

"Oh, hush up, I ain't drunker than you. You've been going through your bottle like you was trying to swim to the bottom for treasure."

"Oh, I was, was I? Listen, you horses's ass, I may be drunk, but I ain't answerin' some question that'll take the Lord's week to explain."

"Then don't! Just start namin' things you believe in!"

"What kind of goddamn question is that?"

"It's just a question! Christ Almighty, you act like you got skeletons diggin' up graves in your backyard. Here, I'll go first. I believe in waterfalls."

"What the fuck kind of shit answer is that, Tommy? Of course you believe in waterfalls. They exist. That ain't somethin' to believe in. That's like me sayin' grass or cows or some shit. They exist, so what?"

"Nope, it's gotta be somethin' that really puts a sunrise in your heart."

"Now that's another thing I don't get! What the hell are you goin' on about?"

"Here's another one. I believe in fast cars."

"So?"

"So, I also believe in dancin' until midnight."

"Tommy, I ain't seen you dance shit my whole life."

"Well, you ain't a lady. Things change, brother."

"Fuckin' hell. Ok, what else?"

"Easter breakfast."

"Alright, alright, give me another."

"First cigarette of the day."

"Hmmm. That's pretty good. Tastes like Hell or Heaven."

"One or the other. Good way to tell how your day's gonna go."

"Sure, sure. Ok, I got one. How about...staying out late?"

"Oh, come on, you son of a bitch, that's about the same thing as dancin' 'til midnight."

"That ain't the same thing. I just like stayin' out late. You like to waltz."

"I didn't say that."

"Tommy, I've seen you dance. You could only do the waltz."

"Ha. Maybe, but at least it's with a lady. You just wanna get drunk with your friends."

"Ain't that what we're doing?"

"Yeah, I reckon that's one of my too."

"Alright then. Chalk that one up to a good time. Goddamn irony, if you will. Alright, I'll take...game shows."

"Game shows? I say fast cars and waterfalls and you want game shows?"

"Tommy, you ever watched a game show? They're the best. All they do is be the best. Alright, another one for me is...drive-ins."

"Oh, that's a good one."

"Thanks. Also skippin' church and fishin'."

"Why don't you just say sins?"

"Tommy, sins ain't for me. And neither is church."

"You'll catch hell for that, Jim."

"Suppose I do. So what?"

"I'll put that on your tombstone when the good creator done smokes you."

"Alright, well, one of the things I'd like to believe in is that the good creator won't do that."

"Can't make you no promises, Jim."

"Well, shoot, alright, I'll say goin' to church instead."

"It's too late for that, Jim."

"Ah shucks...hey, how we getting' home anyhow?"

"Figured we'd drive, but...seein' how fast you're swimmin' through the gold pond in the glass there, maybe we should walk."

"That sounds good. Let's head home. It'll be an hour before we get down from here."

"That's ok. More time to talk beliefs."

"I believe in walks home."

"We all do, Jim."

"Well, then, I guess I believe in people."

"Not enough of us do, Jim."

"Moon's pretty tonight. Can I believe in the moon?"

"Only thing we got left, Jim."

"Sure is big."

"Sure is a lot of things, Jim."

"I reckon so, Tommy."

The Dinner Party: My Delirious One-Act Play

The Dinner Party: My Delirious One-Act Play
a stunning lapse in judgment by jake kilroy.

[CHARACTERS]
CAROL
a thirty-something insurance agent who wishes she was smarter
SEAMUS
an obnoxious but content thirty-something with a lack of ambition
AARON
a failed novelist in his thirties, currently working as a columnist and married to Mandy
MANDY
an apathetic retail store manager with a drinking problem, married to Aaron

[SETTING]
We see four long-time friends sitting around a dinner table set for a dozen people. It appears that all of the seats have been occupied during the evening, given the leftovers and crumpled napkins. The characters Mandy and Aaron sit at the heads of the table. Aaron appears relaxed and observational and Mandy seems tired, as she leans over the table, propped up by her elbows and holding a wine glass close to her mouth. Seamus in between the couple, looking about the room, with Carol on the other side of the table, squinting as if thinking of what to say.

CAROL: What do you think Descartes meant when he said, "I think therefore I am?"

SEAMUS: Holy shit, Carol. It's pronounced "day cart," not "des car tes." Have you ever even fucking heard French?

CAROL: Oh, I'm sorry, Seamus. I was hoping you could not be an asshole for once.

SEAMUS: Yeah? Well, I think you're a bitch, therefore you are.

CAROL: Oh, I'm sure that's what Descartes meant. I'm sure he meant for some welfare rat, whose greatest accomplishment is banging some hooker and not contracting a venereal disease, to use that as some weak burn at a dinner party.

AARON: I hope one of you two gets AIDS.

CAROL: Me? Why me?

SEAMUS: I bet I could fuck something diseased and not get AIDS.

AARON: How?

SEAMUS: I don't know. Will power?

MANDY: You don't have any will power.

SEAMUS: Me? Are you kidding? How many times did I refuse to sleep with your insane sister?

MANDY: She wasn't insane. She was a sex addict.

SEAMUS: Meaning I wasn't an enabler! You're fucking welcome, Mandy!

CAROL: That's probably the nicest thing you've ever done.

SEAMUS: I know, right? Finally, Carol says something that's not stupid.

CAROL: Yeah, sleeping with you would've probably killed her with sadness.

MANDY: Thank you, Carol.

SEAMUS: Carol tried to sleep with her!

MANDY: You did?

CAROL: Only a kiss! I was drunk, it was college, I think it was my birthday...I don't know! I was 20 and I just wanted to kiss her. That was it!

MANDY: Wow. Maybe you sent her into the loops.

CAROL: No way!

AARON: Is that a phrase? "Into the loops?"

MANDY: Yeah, I got it from your failed novel.

AARON: Ha. At least I tried.

MANDY: Said the failure.

AARON: Mandy, I'd say you drink like a fish, but a fish would've drowned by now.

MANDY: Wakka-wakka-wakka.

SEAMUS: What the shit? Was that Fozzie Bear?

CAROL: You would know, you immature douche.

SEAMUS: I'm a douche because I love the Muppets?

CAROL: No, they're not mutually exclusive.

SEAMUS: Oh my god, Carol, I've never heard anyone use a phrase so incorrectly.

CAROL: Not even when you hear hookers lie about washing their hair instead of taking your money?

SEAMUS: What?

CAROL: You heard me!

SEAMUS: Yeah, that's the problem every time you talk.

MANDY: We need more wine.

AARON: Said the fish.

MANDY: Said the failure.

AARON: You're already repeating yourself and you're not even a dozen glasses in yet.

SEAMUS: Holy shit, are we missing American Idol right now?

CAROL: I think so, therefore we are.

The Haiku Break-Up

The Haiku Break-Up
an obnoxious break-up in the form of ridiculous and silly haikus.
by jake kilroy.

"You and me are through!
You're the shittiest boyfriend.
I want you to leave."

"But I don't wanna.
Who the hell will make me food?
Shit, I'll starve to death!"

"That's not my problem.
Besides, you only eat drugs.
I bet you're high now."

"So, what if I am?
My hands glow in the dark, bitch!
I don't need your tits!"

"Do you hear yourself?
This is why we're breaking up!
You're insane on drugs!"

"Me no way insane.
You, bad girlfriend, make me go.
Me best guy ever."

"Oh my god, shut up.
You can barely dress yourself.
Please just leave, ok?"

"But me live here, yes?
I give you hot massage, yes?
You no mad now, yes?"

"Why are you still here?
Stop talking like a caveman!
You're such a stoner!"

"I talk like cat now.
Hey, I can has cheeseburger?
Scratch my belly please?"

"Get out, you weirdo!
I never want to see you.
Don't call me again."

"Me understand you.
But, first, me steal things from you,
like big fish tank here."

"Don't touch the fish tank!
You can't pick it up, asshole!
Just get the fuck out!"

"Me has idea.
You love fish, so I am fish.
We are ok now?"

If I Wrote Old Movies: Volume II

"If I Wrote Old Movies: Volume II"
by Jake Kilroy

"Why, I'd lose my mind if I couldn't have you."

"Oh, Joe, I love it when you talk like that."

"Ah, shucks, Harriet. I'd sure do a lot for you."

"Is that right?"

"Well, sure! Sure, that's right! It's as true as a whistle, ain't it? Why, Harriet, if it were up to me, we'd be together forever."

"So why can't we?"

"Ah, come on, Harriet, you know we can't. You're married! I'm married! It just wouldn't do, you know? Especially not in a town like this. Why, we'd be run outta town! You know that."

"But what if we could, Joe? What if we could? Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful?"

"Oh, that would be just swell, Harriet. But, like I said before, we can't! You know we can't. Why should we get our hopes up? We'll always be married to other people."

"Ah, heck, I wish we weren't. Say...now there's an idea!"

"What is it, Harriet?"

"Joe, I've just had the most spectacular idea! We can be together and our spouses won't speak a word!"

"No fooling?"

"No fooling!"

"Well, how are we going to do that?"

"I kill your wife and you kill my husband!"

"Harriet...no! Oh, no! Now, I may not be the best husband around, but I'm no murderer! And you're not either!"

"The hell I'm not, Joe! I've got something inside of me just dying to get out. And I want it to be for you. I want it all to be for you!"

"Say, what is this? You tryin' to make a fool outta me?"

"Not at all, Joe! No, I'm going to make you something alright, but it ain't a fool. I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world, and I'll do whatever it takes."

"Harriet, you're talking like a crazy person!"

"Maybe I am crazy, but it's love I'm crazy with."

"No, Harriet! Come on, you're starting to scare me."

"I'm going to undress now, Joe...and by the time my last piece of clothing hits the floor, you better be on my side. I don't want you on the other side, you understand? I don't want you on anybody's side but mine."

"Oh, Harriet, you know I can't..."

"This is your last chance, Joe. I either kill your wife or I kill you. But I'm not going to be some married man's parlor trick anymore!"

"Please, Harriet..."

"Joe, you're about to make the best or worst decision of your life."

"No, no, no!"

"I only got one thing left on me, Joe. You better make up your mind quick."

But there were only tears left in Joe's head.

Matchmaker: An Accidental Vaudeville Act

When it comes to women with several of my high school friends, I often find myself in a conversation that resembles an old vaudeville act. They want to play the matchmaker/middle man and it's a mixture of mischief and good intentions (as if they're doing an "I gotcha, bro" boon...a "broon," if you will). It's partially to help out a friend, partially to get credit for the relationship/booty and partially to be responsible for something that could go so goddamn spectacularly crazy terrible.

It's very much like a sincere hug between two male friends that ends in a ball-tap for immature hilarity. And it's also like putting a penny on a train track, something so innocent and meaningless that could have magnificently awful results.

My high school friends believe that people ask without asking and that they're reading between the lines of male friendship and communication. I only put in good words if I'm asked enough times, as I don't like getting involved in anyone's affairs. My high school friends feel differently. And I've had the conversation enough time to sense the coming dread of insanity.

It goes something like (but obviously not exactly like) this:

FRIEND: "So you're interested in her?"

JAKE: "Interested in who?"

F: "You know who."

J: "I do?"

F: "Don't worry. I'll put in a good word for you."

J: "Goddamnit, no. Not this again. No. No good words."

F: "What do you mean? You're not into her?"

J: "I don't think so."

F: "Really?"

J: "Dude, I don't know."

F: "I totally thought you were."

J: "Why?"

F: "I don't know. It just seemed like you were."

J: "When was this? Was I drunk? Did it seem like I wanted to date or hook up?"

F: "I don't know."

J: "Then what the hell are you going off of?"

F: "I don't know, but I'll just tell her you're kind of interested."

J: "No. Don't tell anybody I'm interested in them. Even if I were, everything gets all complicated and chaotic when somebody else gets involved."

F: "Come on, you two would look good together. And then we can double date! Just let me tell her that you at least mentioned her."

J: "No. Don't mention me mentioning anyone to anybody."

F: "I'm gonna do it anyway."

J: "Why? Why would you do that?"

F: "Trust me. You'll thank me later."

J: "No. I won't thank you later. I'm telling you right now. Don't do it."

F: "I'm still going to."

J: "Are you serious?"

F: "Well, then do something about it, you pussy!"

J: "Dude, you're making my mind explode right now. How are you not getting any of this?"

F: "Ok, now I'm going to tell her that just the mention of her makes your mind explode."

J: "I really don't understand what you're not getting here."

F: "I'm just going to tell her that you noticed her and then you can do whatever from there."

J: "Goddamnit, I said no. Seriously, I'm thinking about slashing your tries."

F: "I'm still going to do tell her."

J: "This is unreal. No, don't do it."

F: "Too late. It's out of my hands."

J: "How the hell is it our of your hands?"

F: "It just is. Sorry. But, look at it this way, now you've got something going."

J: "I don't want something going."

F: "Really? I thought you did. She's cute, man. You sure you don't want to see if something happens?"

J: "Well...probably not...I think."

F: "See, there you go! You're already changing your mind!"

If I Wrote Old Movies: Volume I

"Boxers"
by Jake Kilroy

"Hey, Charlie!"

"Oh, hiya, Gary. You're looking swell!"

"I'm trying! But I've got a long way to go until I'm as strong as you though. Say, where you been? We ain't seen you around here much these days."

"Oh, don't I know it. You know Mary, she's not exactly the going-out type. And she's been pretty busy, what with the baby and all."

"Say! That's right! How is that baby of yours?"

"Oh, fine, fine. Going to be a boxer some day. I was holding it last night and the little bugger got me right in the nose."

"Ah gee, that's swell, Charlie. You're a family man now!"

"Yes, yes, but don't think I've lost steam! No, sir! I'm as serious as...as...say, what do you call those things when your heart seizes up?"

"A heart attack?"

"Yeah, yeah, there you go. I'm as serious as a heart attack."

"No kidding! I'd never put you up against my old man."

"Well, what about you? Say! Now, that's an idea! Why don't you and I box?"

"Oh, I don't know, Charlie...my wrist has been acting awfully funny lately."

"Nonsense! Besides, I've already got a few grams of cocaine in me and I had a few cocktails this morning, so it won't really matter how hard you try."

"Charlie! It's not even noon!"

"Don't talk to me like that, Gary. Mary used that tone with me this morning and she's taking a nap on the floor right now, if you know what I mean."

"Jesus, Charlie!"

"I'm going to beat your brains in, you doe-eyed fuck."

"Charlie..."

"Let's box, motherfucker!"

Fuck You, Carol

I just made a page for an adoption center called...Adoption Center. I feel like this sheer laziness in business namery will cause problems down the line.

"So what adoption center did you go through?"

"Adoption Center."

"No, I mean, which adoption center?"

"Adoption Center."

"Right. I know you went through an adoption center, but I was asking which one. I'm curious."

"Adoption Center."

"Fuck you, Carol."

An Old Man Talks With A God

"I have nothing to offer the world," said the old man, his hands scratching each other.

There was a long silence somewhere in the universe.

"Do you have your freedom?" asked the god.

"I believe so, yes."

"Then give the world your freedom."

There was another long silence.

The old man trembled and asked, "Then what will I become without my freedom?"

"A god."