I Think I Have The Plague

Hey, what's it called when you have a malfunctioning nose and a sore throat for over two weeks and then get into an escalating coughing fit that leads to being unable to swallow and then almost throwing up? Is that the plague? Because I think I may have the plague.

All I know is that I was calmly reading a comic book and then, the next moment, I thought I was going to die in my bathroom naked (I was getting ready to take a shower). Do you know how stupid I would've looked? Lying on a tile floor naked in my own vomit with Batman right there. Batman! The most bad-ass dude of all-time, just sitting there. Batman saves everyone! And he just lets me die right there next to him, like a son of a bitch.

Ugh. I'd be so mad. I mean, shit, if it was Archie or Jughead, who fuckin' cares? Those guys couldn't save a carnival. Trust me, I know. I read that issue. Somehow, Jughead traded some carnival winnings for food or something. Totally surprising, right? Why they ever put that Jughead in charge of anything is beyond me. Or, actually, they're all pretty dense. Especially Moose. Except Dilton. He's pretty on top of things, now that I think about it. But, really, was Riverdale founded by all of the village idiots who were kicked out of their towns? Everybody in that town, from Jughead's dumb bitch sister Jellybean to rich tycoon asshole Mr. Lodge, was so goddamn stupid. Also, what year is there anyway? Archie drives his jalopy to the milkshake diner where he texts on his cell phone? Are the writers fucking retarded? That's the 1920s, the 1950s and the 2000s! Is Riverdale in some kind of loophole of time and space? Are they in some other dimension that I don't know about? Why hasn't Stephen Hawking addressed this in one of his many books that I have faithfully ignored?

Oh god...

Is rambling a symptom of the Bubonic Plague? Fuck! Because I was totally just rambling a second ago!

AH! What about hypochondria?! IS THAT A SYMPTOM? FUCK! I'VE GOT THAT TOO! OH FUCK, MAN, I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!

SHIT! HOW ABOUT PARANOIA!?! IS THAT A SYMPTOM?!?!

WHAT ABOUT TOO MUCH PUNCTUATION?!?!?!?!?

OH NO! FUCK! FUCK! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, DID YOU READ MY LAST SENTENCE?!?!? THERE'S SO MUCH PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT ABOUT USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?! I BET IT IS!!!

AND NOW I'M USING BOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A GONER FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE THE PLAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously though, I almost threw up sober for the first time in a decade tonight. It was very exciting, despite, you know, my whole paranoid assumption that I was going to surely die naked in my own vomit with Batman. I should've never stopped watching Grey's Anatomy or Scrubs because I should be dead right now.