My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts.

This is not poetic.

As much as I'd love for that to be the entire post, I suppose I should explain. Recently, as in the last few days, I've felt like my heart beat is a liiiiiiittle too prominent, and that's not a metaphor even a tiny bit. It's like a bizarre dull ache on the left side of my chest, and, since I eat and drink whatever the hell I want, while also being a wildly engaging on-and-off hypochondriac, this is cause for alarm.

BUT WHAT IF MY HEART GREW A FEW SIZES AROUND CHRISTMAS LIKE THE GRINCH? SAYS EVERY PERSON WHO ISN'T A DOCTOR.

I don't know, but here's a question: HOW DID THE GRINCH NOT DIE FROM AN ENLARGED HEART CONDITION? DID YOU SEE HOW FAST THAT THING GREW? IT WAS LIKE A CHRISTMAS TUMOR!

Anyway, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to google this literal heart ache without getting recommendations of eating ice cream and "dating other boys because the right one's out still there." You know what I learned instead of what could be responsible for this pain? Every single person on Yahoo! Answers is a goddamn idiot, and I'm a goddamn idiot for even checking Yahoo! Answers.

Also, because I ended up in heartache forums, I can tell you that way too many boys and girls on the internet answer their own relationship questions. "We've been talking and laughing and having a great time but then he/she said he/she just wanted to be friends and then I thought we went on a date and I went in for the kiss but they said no and I wonder, what does it all mean? So I broke into their house and read all of their emails and WHO THE FUCK IS ASHLEY/KEVIN? Does he/she like me or not?"

WHO CARES IF THIS BOY OR GIRL HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. THERE ARE MORE SERIOUS THINGS IN LIFE, LIKE ACTUAL, LITERAL HEARTACHE. UGH. THIS HEART IS BEATING OUT OF MY CHEST LIKE I'M GODDAMN E.T.

I wish I was either not a hypochondriac or a more severe one, so it would either mean no stress at all or the craziest week ever. However, I'm somewhere in between, not enough to have my doctor on speed dial but enough to where a doctor has definitely greeted me with, "Didn't I just see you?"

Furthermore, that's just when I feel something is intense enough to call a doctor. Consider the time I legitimately thought my tongue wouldn't properly fit in my mouth for a week, and maybe your sympathy for me has drastically lessened.

Well, I finally called the doctor, and I have an appointment tomorrow. Who wants to put money on one of these medical responses?

• "It turns out you're just insane." (diagnosed with disgust)
• "It turns out you're starving...for attention." (with jokey pause)
• "Diabetes." (said with Wilford Brimley impression)
• "YOU JUST DON'T WORK OUT ANYMORE, YOU IDIOT, AND YOU JUST KEEP DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU FEEL LIKE BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES." (most likely answer)

Wish me luck / great knowing you all!