Pure Water! Holy Fuck!

There’s a water dispenser in my new job’s break room. They have red plastic cups for everyone to use, which automatically puts me in the mode to drink beer or some mixed liquor (after, of course, I diligently examine my beverage, making sure there aren’t any cigarette butts in there).

Anyway, when the water dispenses, it gleams, “Pure Water!” as if this is first miracle of this century.

And, for a slight, short, fleeting moment…I was totally giddy.

“What the fuck? Pure water…? Well, what the fuck have I been drinking all these years? This is awesome! Jake Kilroy's a chump no more,” I thought initially.

Of course, it actually means, “This water is pure and safe and clean and good to drink.”

But, for that one quick instance, I thought it was like a drug sell, something like, “This is pure cocaine, bro!” Or maybe like an extreme soft drink, something like, “This is pure adrenaline, bro!” Or even like that one scene in Better Off Dead when the best friend picks up all the snow and says, “This is 100% pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value is of this mountain?”

Seriously though, for a second, it was like, “This is pure water, motherfucker! PURE. FUCKING. WATER. Don't you get it? This is fucking huge. This is expensive shit, dude. Don’t be a fuckin’ idiot. Drink this water! Why? Because this shit is pure. Have you ever even had pure water? You’re face is going to explode from grinning so hard, you dumbfuck lucky dick! Wooooooooooooooooooooo!”

It was pretty exciting.

My day was kind of boring after that.