James & I Try Out Southern Speak...And It Goes Uncomfortably Well

Here's what happened: My job had a big-everyone-in-the-company meeting and, since I don't really know anyone at this job, I introduced myself to people I talked to. The first person I met actually e-mails me a lot at this job about corrections and editing, but she and I had never met in-person. So I figured this was a regular deal. Then I introduced myself to another girl and she seemed confused. Later on, I realized that I had met her at a very small meeting the week before. So I IMed her to apologize for my poor memory and my bad manners. She didn't respond right away and I began to remember there being two girls with the same name. I was sure that I had just apologized to the wrong girl. This would make one girl with that name annoyed and another one totally confused about my IM. Anyway, James gave me some advice in a random stereotypical (and probably offensive) southern dialect over the internet and it spiraled out of control from there.

JAMES: Holeeeee shiite and sunni, boy, you done gone swimmin' with no trunks on.

JAKE: I ain't neva been to no waterin' hole wiffout my trunks on! Think I just moved into these here parts, but, no sir, I been around. This whole talkin' thing is kinda new to me, so, well, I don't know, shucks, my brain is a-more slipperie than a baboon's rump after he done gone sat in butter. I'm awful red, like one of them firetrucks you see sometimes out there on that there road.

JAMES: Damn skippy.

JAKE: Shucks, they most never slow down! One of 'em gone done near took my arm off! Thank the lawrd that I was playin' my hermonica at the time.

JAMES: Hey, boy, you 'bout as comfy as a bull humping a duck. Gol' dang emails and whatnot. Now here's what yer gonna do. And listen good because, as my pappy used to say, I'm only gonna tell you once before I hit you.

JAKE: Yessir.

JAMES: Somehow, yer gonna have to get them there girls to believe they're each the wrong gal.

JAKE: But howsa I'm gonna do thayat?

JAMES: Now, some city folk don't believe this here parlor trick is possible, but believe you me, once you've seen a bull fuck a duck, well, you 'bout likely to believe almost anything. Now, first things first. Git yerself some raccoon ball powder. I would send you some but I'm running low and the corner store ain't gonna see no resupply 'til the snow melts. Sprinkle some of that ball powder right over yonder on the gal's morning corn cob. Might wanna put some salt on it with it. Raccoon ball tends to get mighty strong flavor. Once them young fillies get that ball powder in their blood, boy, you best step back a good yard or two, because they won't know if they're coming or going. Give 'em 'bout five minutes and after clucking their little heads off, both of 'em will fall fast asleep faster than a baby with a tit in its mouth. Once that happens, you git those desks rearranged, ya hear? Pictures, keyboards, pens, you name it. Put hers over there and vice-ah-versa. Blim, blam, presto.

JAKE: Boy, when God was makin' you, I'm pretty sure he done gone left some screws out.

JAMES: Heh. That's what my pappy used to say right before he walloped me something good.

JAKE: I don't even know where any of them sits! Oh, and my pappy did a lot more wallopin' than talkin'. He used to say that if I didn't shut my moueth, he was done gonna let his five friyends do the talkin'! But I would always tell him, I would say, "Pappy, you ain't got no friyends. You're what the reverend calls a derelict." Oh, boy, he put me to sleep right then there, he did.

JAMES: Har har.

JAKE: Was out colder than a lake in winter. Slept right there in the kitchen.

JAMES: That's some good shellackin'.

JAKE: Sure was. That's why I never held it against my pappy that he left me all them different colors, you see. I mean, he taught me a lesson right there, he did. Papa shoulda been a boxer.

JAMES: Your daddy sure did know his way around a ring. Kept your mama on her toes, that's for sure. Never let her say nothing. She would open her mouth and his fist would be halfway to her face.

JAKE: Mama called it "the fastest train in the world." And then I would say sumthin' like, "Hey, but now what about them Japs?" And then she would wallop me!

JAMES: Now, boy, that's your own fault now. You know what year it is? It's the future, son. You can't be runnin' around callin' them Japs or Nips anymore. This is America. Sure, they asked for it back in Dubya Dubya Two, but they're working for us now. It's "orientals." Heh. How you ever graduated all that schoolin' is beyond me, boy.

JAKE: Beats me. I only showed up to school mostly just to get outta all the wallopin' at home. You know they done gave me some award for showin' up ev'ryday?

JAMES: Is that right?

JAKE: Sumthin 'bout perfect allegiance or sumthin'. I said, "Good, because I love this here country." And they said, "What?" And I said, "Huh?" And then, pretty soon, I thought they was gonna wallop me! It's them, Japs, I tell ya. Movin' all in, screwin' up our here schoolin'.

JAMES: Now, see, there you go again, usin' the wrong word.

JAKE: Wrong word? Boy, I ain't said a wrong word since I first got walloped.

JAMES: Boy, I swear, it goes in one ear and out the other. It's not allegiance. It's attendance. Damn, you stupid or sumthin'?

JAKE: Attendance? I ain't doin' no dancin'. I was just goin' to school or sumthin. What they gonna give me a dancin' prize fo? I just show up to skuel and they gonna tell me I'm a good dancer? Well, I am, but they ain't got nuthin' to do with it. Jesus, boy, you been drinkin' the bottom barrel moonshine too long if you think they gonna give me a dancin' prize for just sittin' there and listenin' to some teacher.

JAMES: Well, I guess yer right. I ain't never been to no classroom. Drove by it a couple times but they said all them girls weren't fit to be married none yet. So I just kept on drivin'.

JAKE: Wait a minute. Now just wait a minute here. How old was you when you started drivin'?

JAMES: Well, how old is anybody when they start drivin'? Ten, I guess.

JAKE: Late bloomer, eh? Yea, me too. Was even worse for me. I didn't even sit in a workin' car 'til I was in the backseat of one trying to get up Mary Ellen Sue's skirt.

JAMES: Wait. I was born in the cold snap of '82...now that would make me....hold on now...Mama said I gots to learn my 'rithmic. That would make me 11 years old.

JAKE: Boy, you got enough 'rithmic. I seen you dance! I seen you dance with them gurls from near that there river and you hardly ever drop any of 'em. Me, I got two left hands. Can't catch nuthin' but some river flu.

JAMES: Hahaha. Boy, you just like that Seinfeld fella. Hee-larious.

JAKE: Oh yeah, I saw of them shows. I laffed at the music, butI kinda missed everything else, you know. Whole time i was watchin' it, I thought, "Hey, when's that Larry The Cable Guy gonna come out here and tell some jokes?" I don't care much for that there city humor.

JAMES: Well, no shit, Sherman! The music's the best dang part!

JAKE: I know, but all they do there is sit around some coffee shop like a bunch of rich people. Why em I gonna watch thayat?

JAMES: Well, goll-ee, Jake, you ever heard of sumthin' called culture?

JAKE: Culture? Sure have! There's one of them that meets over there beyond Old Man Fields. They all dress up in the same clothes and talk like crazy people. All talkin' the same, all dressin' the same, bunch of hippies, that culture.

JAMES: Ho'boy.

JAKE: They got new ideas? Probly not. Probly just like every other culture. Man, they probly never even set foot in no church. That Seinfeld fella too. And all his friends. Probly a bunch of godless sinners, ya ask me. 'Cept for that Kramer fella. Got a funny way a-comin' inta places.

JAMES: Yeah, boy.