R. Kelly > Driver's License

I went to a happy hour in honor of a departing co-worker, but I arrived early, so it was just a single co-worker and me holding down the fort/table.

The waitress came over and asked us what we wanted to drink. My co-worker respectfully and articulately said, "I'll have a hefeweizen," while I very awkwardly asked, "Hey, you guys have, like, a super killer dank tasty porter, yeah?"

"Yes, we have a porter," she replied, either completely understanding my space talk or ignoring it entirely.

"Sweet. I'll have that,"I informed her.

"Ok," she said, writing it down and turning away from us, only to catch herself and come back. "Oh, and can I see your IDs?"

My co-worker handed her his license (he clearly had his shit together). Our waitress looked it over, handed it back to him and then turned to me.

"I don't actually have my ID..." I said slowly, squinting, turning my mumbling sentence into a battered question of sorts.

"You don't have an ID?"

"Well, I did, at some point, but I kind of lost it," I said. "Actually, I ironically lost it drinking."

She bit her lip and made sounds, thinking it over.

"I work with him and I can totally vouch for his age. He's well over 21," my co-worker told her.

"Yeah, I'm actually gonna be 26 next year," I said.

"What year were you born?" she asked quickly. It was testing and proving time!

"1985."

"What year did you graduate?"

"2003."

She nodded, still thinking it over. I waited.

Finally, I thought of the bonus answer.

"They played R. Kelly's 'Ignition (Remix)' at my prom," I said proudly.

"Alright," she said with a smile, turning to go get our beers. "Good enough."

And that's what got me my beer, mentioning R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)!" I swear, that song will somehow help me out periodically throughout the years until the day I die. In fact, holy shit, somebody make sure that jam is played at my goddamn funeral. I want to be buried amid hot sex and slow grinding.