Are You Dating Me?

There's a certain phrase that some people use around this office and it strikes me as peculiar every time.

"Are you dating me?"

This, of course, is used when one person makes another person feel old.

An example:

"Oh, I don't know if you would remember that toy craze. That may have been after you were a kid."

"Execuse me, are you dating me?"

And then the two laugh.

Now, this of course means "dating" in something far away from that whole familiar but always semi-unfamiliar process of kindness, generosity, awkwardness, furious anger and fondling.

Actually, the latter variation of "dating" is way more complex. At least the former version can be explained by science.

It took me a while to legitimately understand what people were talking about around here, because, for so long, I didn't hear the first part. I would only hear the person say, "Are you dating me?"

Every time I'd hear it, my head would crook and I would wonder what the hell was happening around this orgy of an office.

"Everyone is sort of dating everyone here or is at least unsure of what they're doing with each other, similar to a Ross and Rachel kind of sexual experiment, I suppose," I would think (very much like a scientist of only the most interstellar magnitude). "Also, they pose the question like a crazy person."

It wasn't the much more traditional and uncomfortable sentiment, "So...are we, like, dating or what?"

That question seems more familiar to me.

However, I often ask it differently. It usually comes out like, "So...do you really all of a sudden have feelings for me? Are you seriously going to ruin this perfect setup we have? Oh man...does this mean that we can't just watch romantic movies, cook dinner together and fool around all the time? Does this mean we can't just go on weekend getaways, laugh a bunch and never discuss our feelings? Do I have to start meeting your stupid friends? Are they going to talk about people from your high school that I don't know? Are they going to mention your ex-boyfriends all the time just to hint to me that I should treat you right and not be a douchebag like your exes? Do I have to pretend like I don't know they're doing that? Do I have to go to your holidays? Do I have to figure out if I need to buy your family stuff just in case they give me presents? Does this mean I can't do any of this with other women? UGH. WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT? I DON'T NEED THIS! SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!"

Then I would smash the nearest breakable thing of hers and jump out the window, screaming, "FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOM!"

Also, I would perfectly time the jump so that I landed on a bus (obviously). Then I'd stay on the bus until it took me near my car, which, as you and the girl may not already know, is not at the girl's apartment, because fuck being followed. I know women. Can't trust 'em. Be a spy in every situation with a woman or be a fuckin' chump, I say.

Then, I'd get drunk and call the girl's hot friends and ask, "Are you dating me?" before laughing uncontrollably and hysterically. All phone calls would probably end abruptly.

So, anyway, you can only imagine how put off I am when everyone around the office keeps asking, "Are you dating me?"