Dear Kid I Tried To Kidnap Years Ago...

Dear Kid I Tried To Kidnap Years Ago,

How are you?

I suppose you never expected to hear back from me after that muggy spring afternoon. However, I'm generally interested in how you're doing these days. But not too interested (haha).

Let's be real though. I didn't really actually do anything to you, so, if you're all pissed off about this letter, you're probably overthinking this. I mean, come on, all I did was follow you a few blocks and compliment you and try to get you in my car. Is that really all that bad? My dad use to do that to me when I'd ignore him when he was late to pick me up from school and I was actually related to him! He looked like a kidnapper!

Sure, yeah, I was in fact trying to kidnap you once you were in my car, but you don't know what I had. My car could've been a ball pit inside or filled with your friends (I wish! Haha!). But, no, you stubbornly refused me, and I suppose I can respect that. I mean, it certainly wasn't the most ideal plan. I admit, I didn't really have a gameplan. I was just kind of wingin' it, you know?

Anyway, I'm sorry if you were creeped out. I think after all these years you should be over it, but that's just me. Actually, you should be flattered. Out of your entire school, I chose you. Why? Because you were so gosh darn adorable. You looked like fun, you little asshole! Nah, I'm just joshing you. Let's pretend I didn't call you an "asshole." Let's make it that I called you a "bugger." I've never said that before, but you seem like a nice enough kid. I mean, I did choose you to be my "little buddy."

Well, I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. I'm just kind of bored here in jail. Oh, that's right! Hey, I went to jail! Guess what for? Did you guess child abduction? Ha! Gotcha! Joke's on you!

It was for murder.