My Kind Of Pornography

I'm getting pretty sick of porn's high-and-mighty attitude.

Now, there are those who will always react to this notion with the predictable reply: "How can you think of porn stars as high-and-mighty?"

It's easy. They drive Hummers (and give 'em too, woo!). In a lot of the classy porn videos, there's a Hummer in the giant driveway. Or maybe I just feel like they'd be the type to drive Hummers. And I can't say I've ever seen someone driving a Hummer who I didn't think was doing way better than me. I mean, Hummers are pretty fucking stupid, but I still look at the drivers as doing way better than me.

Also, the quality of porno I'm talking about is the high-class stuff. I'm not talking about the grody you-can-tell-it-was-filmed-in-some-suburban-house-in-Downey. No, I'm talking about the ones with gigantic North-of-Los-Angeles mansions and legit office, school, gym setups and more.

And then who's getting down? Hot bitches. Sure, maybe one of them has a lazy eye, but it's probably a porno-related injury from earlier. But who's giving it to 'em? Goofy-looking dickheads with tribal tattoos who probably rip Kottonmouth Kings or Insane Clown Posse on the way to "the river."

It's bullshit!

This kind of porn is so very obviously telling me to go fuck myself that it's hard for me to really keep my rage down. So here's what I'm saying: no more hot chicks getting plowed by lame dudes in gorgeus sprawling modern-but-fake-Spanish-influence mansions in the Hollywood Hills.

Also, I'm not buying this whole shitty-younger-dude-with-the-shittier-job getting these big ol' baskets of poon. No more pizza delivery guys, mailmen, gardeners, pool boys or whatever. It's so asinine (and misleading) to tell story after story about dumb twentysomethings falling ass-backwards into ass. No more, I say! It's all so incredibly and bogusly unreal.

Oh, everyone has a great job? Oh, everyone has a nice car? Oh, everyone just decides at the drop of a hat to bang each other?

NO! DO ANY OF THESE PORN STARS EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE ECONOMY? NOBODY HAS POOL BOYS ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S TOO PRICEY AND NOBODY CALLS OUT FOR PIZZA BECAUSE EVERYONE'S STAYING IN TO COOK SO THEY CAN SAVE MONEY.

REFLECT THE TIMES, PORN.

Fuck you for even making it seem like somebody would risk their job to grab a few titties or weiners. No way. Maybe in the '90s when Clinton was around, but nobody would be risking their day career in this job market. It's just so unbelievable. Who would get down in an office? Do you know how hard it would be to find a new job? It's fucking impossible. Trust me. I looked for six days once. There's nothing out there. It's a barren wasteland.

So, anyway, what I'd like to suggest is realistic porn.

You know, make it something believable for the average viewer. Maybe the guy could be wearing a Modest Mouse shirt or something. Maybe she has a tattoo that doesn't suck. Maybe they're just playing cards or watching a movie.

Actually, yeah, that's what I want. That's the scenario. I want a man and a woman, both in their twenties, watching a movie. Also, they're getting drunk, so the porno sex doesn't seem so sudden.

There we go. Yeah. Ok, so they get way drunk and they're talking about their past failed relationships or whatever and finally the guy says something like, "You and I would never have these problems if we dated."

The girl laughs and lets go of an ambient "Yeaaaah," smiling and almost reminiscing about something. And then one of them says, "Is that so crazy?" Finally, after a few minutes of conversation sprinkled with sexy jokes, they agree to marry each other if they're both single at 30.

Oh, you think it stops there? Fat fuckin' chance! The guy then drops a line like, "Maybe we should get started on the physical stuff right now and let our emotions catch up." BAM! Bingo-bango-sexo!

That's what I want!

Or maybe they're just sitting around listening to music and getting high or something. And the guy says, "Hey, do you wanna listen to Godspeed and think we're gonna die?"

And then she'd say, "Who's Godspeed?"

And then he'd say, "Oh, that's right. You only like stupid acoustic bullshit."

And then she'd make him take back what he said about Dave Matthews.

And then they'd argue.

And then they'd bang.

And I honestly don't think that's asking too much.

This is real life. This is perspective. But, instead, to give you your point-of-view, porn keeps the camera angle where the man's head is supposed to be. Oh, that guy's supposed to be me? That guy with the three foot dong who bangs hot skanks in his beachside mansion? That's me?

Listen, porn industry, since I saw my first porn in seventh grade, I have never seen myself as that guy. I know there are guys who do dilude themselves into believing they're that guy, but I think the industry should start catering to realists. Why?

BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS BROKE! LET'S GET REAL HERE!

So forget that noise. Instead, give me two people who are sitting around some Friday evening too tired to go out but too awake to go to bed. Maybe have one of them makes a really dank snack. Fuck, it could just be ice cream for all I care. Maybe the girl gets super into it and she moans, "I'm so h-"

But we end that word in "ungry," not "orny."

"I'm so hungry," she repeats, maybe with her head on the dining table. To make her feel better, the guy politely and kindly makes her, like, this fuckin' kick-ass grilled cheese. And then she eats it and she's stoked. All of a sudden, she's really awake. She wants to do something. Why? Because there was grilled fucking onions in that sandwich and nobody hates grilled onions.

"What made you toss in those onions?" she asks with a coy slide of her lips.

"Oh, I don't know. I thought you'd like 'em," he cooly replies with a shrug.

"Yeah?" she asks sensually. "You got any...Cheetos...to go with that goddamn sandwich, you motherfucker?"

"Whoa," he says. The guy doesn't know if he should be turned on or pissed off. Well, guess what? He's both, so deal with it.

"I think I have half a bag left in my car from the gas station," he tells her.

"What?" she says, now feeling in command of the situation. "Go get 'em, bitch."

The guy is confused. She's never spoked to him like this. What is happening? He wonders. He wonders on his way to the car to get the Cheetos. He wonders as he digs through his car for the Cheetos and finds that friendship bracelet that he thought he lost but it was just under his seat next to an empty CD case for some classic rock album that he lost the actual CD to. And then he wonders about the girl as he walks back into the house.

Guess what? She's wearing lingerie. But who the fuck cares? SHE FOUND SOME FUCKING OREO'S.

BOOYAH!

They embrace super hard because Oreo's sound SO good to both of them.

"Do we have any milk?" he asks.

"I've got plenty for you," she whispers.

Oh, did you think that was sexual? Yeah fucking right! Check the fridge! Two gallons of milk right next to some Mexican food leftovers wrapped in tin foil. And they have a whole weekend of cookies ahead of them. Maybe they'll feed each other cookies and it'll be all sexual and whatever!

She nibbles on his ear and says something that's barely audible like, "I'm so happy right now."

He says, "Are you still really hungry?"

And she says, "Man, I'm so many H-words right now."

Bam. That's what I want. It's not even some weirdo foodie thing either. I don't care if they even eat any of the junk food. I just know that real people talk about food. Real people argue about music. Real people watch movies. And all of this could lead to sexy storylines. I've got a million of them.

IDEA #462: Two people get lost because the girl gave bad directions and the guy wouldn't ask for them. It's almost midnight. They rent a motel to stay the night. They go to the local tavern. They get into a big fight about James Cameron. Guess what makes them get sexy? "Beast Of Burden" by the Rolling Stones comes on. They go back and share their feelings until they bang for a month. BAM. DONE. NEXT STORY.

IDEA #988: Three people are at the Olive Garden. Someone orders dessert for the table. When the bill comes, he thinks they're going to split it. There's a tiff. Someone goes to the bathroom. The person apologies for acting like a jackass. The other person apologizes too. They both wonder why they're fighting at the Olive Garden. The third person returns from the bathroom and suggests they all go to the movies. They go, accidentally eat too much popcorn and get stomach aches, so they all drink Pepto Bismol, except it's expired. Guess what? It gets them all super ripped weird and they starting see weird shit. They think Burt Reynolds is in their pool. And they're so amped on it. They all do cannoballs into the pool (get it?). They have a fourway with Burt Reynolds. But it's not Burt Reynolds! It's the neighbor who just also happens to be tripping on acid. And then there's a twist! What is it? The twist is that this is all a sex dream of Burt Reynolds. BAM. DONE. NEXT FUCKING STORY. I GOT A MILLION! LET'S KEEP GOING.

IDEA #1,031: A girl is teaching another girl how to play the ukulele. At some point, one of them says, "I'll uku your lele." They fool around. BAM. DONE. NEXT STORY. JUST BREEZING THROUGH THESE.

IDEA #3,247: It's a college philosophy class. The professor has two volunteer students make love in front of the class. Then he talks about St. Augustine and the existence of love and its relation to passion. Some dick turns it into a "God vs. No God" argument. He gets a bad grade. It's a super liberal school, by the way. Later, we find out that a-hole who wanted to talk about God's probability is actually having an affair with the professor. Whoa! BAM. DONE.

Actually, I'm stopping right here. It seems like this really got out of hand. Sorry about that. Ah well, you get the idea. But, more importantly, why the hell did you read all of this? Didn't you realize how incoherent a lot of it was? Was there even a structure to the narrative? No, not really. Not even close in some instances. This post shouldn't even count as being about porn. This should be more about your tolerance for my total lack of respect for your time or even my blatant attempt at dragging nonsense out. Seriously though, scroll up and see how long all that was. It's a lot, right? You're damn right it's a lot. A whole lot. A whore lot. A whore bot. A whore cot. A whore cat. A whore can. A whore's cans. Someone should bang.

Whoa! I'm really sorry about that. I ALMOST started up again. Whew!