The Dinner Party: My Delirious One-Act Play

The Dinner Party: My Delirious One-Act Play
a stunning lapse in judgment by jake kilroy.

[CHARACTERS]
CAROL
a thirty-something insurance agent who wishes she was smarter
SEAMUS
an obnoxious but content thirty-something with a lack of ambition
AARON
a failed novelist in his thirties, currently working as a columnist and married to Mandy
MANDY
an apathetic retail store manager with a drinking problem, married to Aaron

[SETTING]
We see four long-time friends sitting around a dinner table set for a dozen people. It appears that all of the seats have been occupied during the evening, given the leftovers and crumpled napkins. The characters Mandy and Aaron sit at the heads of the table. Aaron appears relaxed and observational and Mandy seems tired, as she leans over the table, propped up by her elbows and holding a wine glass close to her mouth. Seamus in between the couple, looking about the room, with Carol on the other side of the table, squinting as if thinking of what to say.

CAROL: What do you think Descartes meant when he said, "I think therefore I am?"

SEAMUS: Holy shit, Carol. It's pronounced "day cart," not "des car tes." Have you ever even fucking heard French?

CAROL: Oh, I'm sorry, Seamus. I was hoping you could not be an asshole for once.

SEAMUS: Yeah? Well, I think you're a bitch, therefore you are.

CAROL: Oh, I'm sure that's what Descartes meant. I'm sure he meant for some welfare rat, whose greatest accomplishment is banging some hooker and not contracting a venereal disease, to use that as some weak burn at a dinner party.

AARON: I hope one of you two gets AIDS.

CAROL: Me? Why me?

SEAMUS: I bet I could fuck something diseased and not get AIDS.

AARON: How?

SEAMUS: I don't know. Will power?

MANDY: You don't have any will power.

SEAMUS: Me? Are you kidding? How many times did I refuse to sleep with your insane sister?

MANDY: She wasn't insane. She was a sex addict.

SEAMUS: Meaning I wasn't an enabler! You're fucking welcome, Mandy!

CAROL: That's probably the nicest thing you've ever done.

SEAMUS: I know, right? Finally, Carol says something that's not stupid.

CAROL: Yeah, sleeping with you would've probably killed her with sadness.

MANDY: Thank you, Carol.

SEAMUS: Carol tried to sleep with her!

MANDY: You did?

CAROL: Only a kiss! I was drunk, it was college, I think it was my birthday...I don't know! I was 20 and I just wanted to kiss her. That was it!

MANDY: Wow. Maybe you sent her into the loops.

CAROL: No way!

AARON: Is that a phrase? "Into the loops?"

MANDY: Yeah, I got it from your failed novel.

AARON: Ha. At least I tried.

MANDY: Said the failure.

AARON: Mandy, I'd say you drink like a fish, but a fish would've drowned by now.

MANDY: Wakka-wakka-wakka.

SEAMUS: What the shit? Was that Fozzie Bear?

CAROL: You would know, you immature douche.

SEAMUS: I'm a douche because I love the Muppets?

CAROL: No, they're not mutually exclusive.

SEAMUS: Oh my god, Carol, I've never heard anyone use a phrase so incorrectly.

CAROL: Not even when you hear hookers lie about washing their hair instead of taking your money?

SEAMUS: What?

CAROL: You heard me!

SEAMUS: Yeah, that's the problem every time you talk.

MANDY: We need more wine.

AARON: Said the fish.

MANDY: Said the failure.

AARON: You're already repeating yourself and you're not even a dozen glasses in yet.

SEAMUS: Holy shit, are we missing American Idol right now?

CAROL: I think so, therefore we are.